Puberty 4

Like Mitski,
I am Your Best American Girl,
with the gold, and the guns, and the girl,
yet I keep running, taking all day, up the hill,
just so I can keep myself from asking “are you satisfied?”

Just a girl lost in her bedroom,
who’s had enough, and was taken home,
but can’t remind herself, every time, every place, to look out, look around,
look at the shiny, happy, people,
and realize she was already there.

Always an angel and never a god,
even though I know, I feel, I believe that
this isn’t a scene, it’s a goddamn arms race,
and I am not waiting for some intimations of immortality;
I’m trying to find the pretty in the possible.

This land is inhospitable, but here I am,
live and in living color,
wondering if I’m just lowering expectations,
but fuck it! I’ll wade into the muddy waters, take my leap of faith,
and envelop myself in tried and true blue.